Appetite for Western Destruction

Newly uncovered documents have revealed details of an old Soviet propaganda plan, in which Guns N Roses’ 1987 album, Appetite for Destruction, was to be turned into a 12-episode mini-series on the rise and triumph of Communism. During Vladimir Putin’s hair band days in the KGB, he was known to blare “18 and Life” by Skid Row during interrogations. But only now has his interest in GNR as a propaganda vehicle come to light.

Below is a plot outline taken from the “Appetite for Western Destruction” comic books, which were distributed in Soviet kindergartens and mining camps in anticipation of the ill-fated mini-series.

Episode 1 – Welcome to the Jungle

Dressed in leather, Lenin rides a horse into pre-Communist Vladivostock. He is overwhelmed by the sight of girls in short skirts and the smiles of potato vendors.

Episode 2 – It’s So Easy

Lenin tricks the entire czarist government into joining a tribe of donkeys in Siberia. The power vacuum enables his quick ascension to power.

Episode 3 – Nightrain

After Lenin succumbs to illness, Stalin spends Soviet resources to build a train from Moscow to Tahiti. To prevent an exodus of Russian peasants to the tropical islands, the train runs only after the 8pm curfew.

Episode 4 – Out Ta Get Me

Stalin’s paranoia gets the better of him. In addition to using body doubles when hunting in the countryside, he hires an additional 17,354 secret agents.

Episode 5 – Mr. Brownstone

Stalin’s uncle Boris moves to Brooklyn, where he opens a pastry shop. He recruits Soviet sympathizers and holds card games in his basement.

Continue reading “Appetite for Western Destruction”

War on Terror Responsible for Low CD Sales

As we all know, CD sales have continued to drop over the past several years. The thugs of the recording industry (RIAA) consistently blame illegal downloading and filesharing, but today a new study brings to light a startling correlation:

After much statistical analysis, it is now clear that the drop in CD sales can be attributed to the Bush administration’s “War on Terror”, the public relations campaign that it began in September of 2001.

The study’s most disturbing findings were:

  • 9% of Americans are now too scared to hang out at the mall.
  • 14% of all music consumers enlisted in the military, and now they can’t afford to buy CDs.
  • 2% of American music consumers had the last name Bin Laden and were flown out of the USA by the Bush administration just after 9/11.
  • By 2001, every single American owned Dark Side of the Moon and Thriller.
  • 30,000 Americans saw the video of Attorney General John Ashcroft singing and no longer listen to music.
  • All 5,000,000 copies of the Backstreet Boys’ last album were sent to Guantanamo Bay.
  • Guns ‘N Roses hasn’t released an album in 15 years.
  • Dick Cheney has been too busy crushing souls to keep up with his CD of the Month Club.