Newly uncovered documents have revealed details of an old Soviet propaganda plan, in which Guns N Roses’ 1987 album, Appetite for Destruction, was to be turned into a 12-episode mini-series on the rise and triumph of Communism. During Vladimir Putin’s hair band days in the KGB, he was known to blare “18 and Life” by Skid Row during interrogations. But only now has his interest in GNR as a propaganda vehicle come to light.
Below is a plot outline taken from the “Appetite for Western Destruction” comic books, which were distributed in Soviet kindergartens and mining camps in anticipation of the ill-fated mini-series.
Episode 1 – Welcome to the Jungle
Dressed in leather, Lenin rides a horse into pre-Communist Vladivostock. He is overwhelmed by the sight of girls in short skirts and the smiles of potato vendors.
Episode 2 – It’s So Easy
Lenin tricks the entire czarist government into joining a tribe of donkeys in Siberia. The power vacuum enables his quick ascension to power.
Episode 3 – Nightrain
After Lenin succumbs to illness, Stalin spends Soviet resources to build a train from Moscow to Tahiti. To prevent an exodus of Russian peasants to the tropical islands, the train runs only after the 8pm curfew.
Episode 4 – Out Ta Get Me
Stalin’s paranoia gets the better of him. In addition to using body doubles when hunting in the countryside, he hires an additional 17,354 secret agents.
Episode 5 – Mr. Brownstone
Stalin’s uncle Boris moves to Brooklyn, where he opens a pastry shop. He recruits Soviet sympathizers and holds card games in his basement.
Episode 6 – Paradise City
Residents of Leningrad and Stalingrad compete in a friendly fight for the “Russia’s Most Soviet City” Award. After gaining an early lead, Leningrad loses ground during the three-legged race and comes in 2nd.
Episode 7 – My Michelle
To prevent Russian temptation by Western excesses, the politburo stages a musical about a Ukrainian prostitute name Michelle. The six-hour medley based on Wagner’s Ring Cycle airs weekly on national radio.
Episode 8 – Think About You
Soviet agents are seen removing “The Thinker” statue from Rodin’s garden, having time traveled to 1902 Paris to subvert rationalist ideology.
Episode 9 – Sweet Child O’ Mine
Russian children are shown holding hands and singing “We are the World,” which had not yet been recorded by Western pop stars.
Episode 10 – You’re Crazy
American President Grover Cleveland and some other guy are shown playing tether ball in front of the White House. Democracy is personified by a broken stapler, resting on a desk in a nearby sanitarium.
Episode 11 – Anything Goes
Exemplifying the importance of individual sacrifice for Mother Russia, this animated fable shows Goldilocks and the Three Bears sharing their porridge with Little Red Riding Hood. All five are then executed.
Episode 12 – Rocket Queen
The final episode of “Appetite for Western Destruction” was to celebrate Soviet victory in the space race. A secret colony of Soviet monkeys was established on Jupiter, and where they were to appear in a reality TV show extolling the merits of space Communism and intergalactic bread shortages.